Saturday, July 28, 2007

Artist Spam

What if composers phished and spammed?!

Matt Orchestra
Fax : +1 800 CHA MBER (242-6237)
e-mail :

Dear Sir,

I have picked-up courage and trust to forward this letter with divine confidence that you are a reliable and honest person who will be capable to handle this important business proposal believing also that you will never let me down either now or in the future. I am Matt Orchestra a private audio consultant with the Big Music Festival. There is a world premiere from 1997 and since 1998 nobody has performed this work, it has been dormant thereafter.

After going through mp3s and cds, I discovered that if I do not remit this score out urgently it would be forfeited as an unserviceable / dormant piece. The composer of this work was the late Dr. Norbert Lionel Hamden Berlioz El Captain, a serialist, he was an associate concertmaster at Kruger Gold Chamber Players, a waiter by profession, and he died 2003 in a plane crash. No one is believed to have any knowledge or details of these scores since they remained dormant after his death.
From my findings during auditioning at the end of last season, the deceased did not leave a will and no indication of a next of kin and as such has no beneficiary and my investigation proved to me last employers' does not have knowledge of these scores which is total sum of nineteen ballets, symphonies and piano works.

I wish to transfer these scores into a safe foreign program or series. I am contacting you based on the fact that you are a musician because the tuning of this score will only be approved for performance to a 20th century specialist. I know that this proposal will come to you as a surprise as we don't have fore knowledge of each other. I therefore implore that you treat this as important as can be to enable us achieve the performance of the scores.
However, I got your contact from a trade consultant here at the Festival, though I did not disclose the purpose of my seeking for a second performance to the consultant. I have involved a very senior official in the programming department of my establishment, and we have agreed that after the score selection into your designated series, you shall be entitled to 50% more attendance.

All necessary precautions have been taken to ensure a risk free situation on the side of both parties. Please note that this deal can only take place on the following conditions:
1. You will provide the arts series/program and other relevant particulars information for easy and onward performance of the scores.

2. Absolute tuning and sincerity will be required and guaranteed, considering our positions in the festival.
3. Assurance that our recording will be released to us in good faith when these scores finally gets onto your program.

From my estimates, this transaction will be within 10 rehearsal days as soon as we hear from you. Please treat with utmost confidentiality.

Expecting your immediate response.

Yours musically,

Mr. Matt Orchestra

1 comment:

Jann said...

Hey, where'd you get that picture of me in junior high orchestra? I never played viola, I swear to you. OK, maybe just that one time, at band camp ....